baby's sleepy

oh. so tired. in all my efforts to move forward and to promote my self,
I find it very difficult to take the same comfort and regeneration in my playtime.
I don't get the same pleasure from my favorite games. sleep has taken turn for the different. things will get better but as I understand it, I won't stop being busy untill I retire. and as I understand it this is far off in the future. I further realize that this is normal.

taking the reigns of my life is not something I was really ... prepared for.
I assumed it would be like television. opportunities would come along a just the right time. every character in my show/life would know what to say and acting/behavior would never be a problem. I dearly wish i could sit down and script even just the next day.

I also find tiring, the changing of gears from one activity to another. as well as the thinking paterns and assumed emotional tags that go with the change. i find tiring, the promotion of my art. the participation in the process discussion. the posibilty that it is not the best thing since piccaso and isn't as ground breaking as I might spin it. I find it exhausting to keep up the discussion and time usage. it tires me to wait untill I can afford a new battery for my tablet. that I cant just get an even better tablet. the two devices I want would together total $3000.

it tires me to see how tiring it is to be. to be tired. to have a tiring disease. to know that i can't just be energetic for a while. tiring brain chemistry. lack of devotion and follow-through. tiring blog.

I have a night shift tommorrow, and I don't want it. but I know it will get me closer to my goals. I am tired of sacrifice. something I don't think I do often. or to any degree that a stranger would find admirable or even adeqaute to the task of living life of a working stiff. average joe.

I might just be tired of being me. i hope not. i think i am an interesting person. very complex and sensitive. just lazy and weird and dumb and etc.etc.
no. not tired of being me. interesting person, boring useless life